Stepping Into Parenting--Part II

When other adults are speaking into the lives of  the children in the family, troubles inevitably arise.  Such was the case with us.  We went through spurts of working together with the other set of parents to raise our oldest children.  The other mother and I even shared the podium at a Mother's Day banquet on the joys of parenting together.  We took care of the other parents' infant the weekend they got married and attended the wedding to boot!  The children were happy--relieved--but things are not always as they appear in these situations.  It wasn't until long after the initial severing of the relationship between our oldest daughter and our family that I realized she was not acting alone in her desire to get away from our home.  The groundwork had been laid over a period of many years.  Again, as smart as I am, I was pretty naive.  But things happen and God knows all.

I couldn't figure out why the children never invited friends to our house on weekends.  I thought they were wallflowers; I had no idea how rich their social lives were on alternate weekends.  I didn't know they smoked and were involved in romantic relationships.  I believed them when they answered my questions about their activities at the other parents' house.  I don't blame the children; they would have had to be nearly perfect to resist such freedom.  We were strict.  I don't even totally blame the birth mother--we were raising her children and the court system allowed us to call all the shots.  I don't deny that we were to blame for making the children become chameleons.  It was safer and easier to view both homes as out of sight, out of mind.  It was certainly more peaceful for them. They should not have been put on the witness stand and grilled by each set of parents.  We should have acted with maturity and not used them as weapons.

I am confessing my imperfections as a mother because I needed to read words like these about twenty years ago, and take them to heart.  The Bible tells us, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."  (Proverbs 22:6)  I am pleased to say that our daughter has seen her period of rebellion and has paid dearly for mistakes made outside of her training, but she is lovely--a wise mother and a seeking follower of Jesus.  Our son has become a man who thinks before he speaks and does not make rash and emotionally-charged decisions.  He is brave and strong and always willing to bow his head in prayer. 

If you are a parent or a step-parent and these words ring true on any level, STOP IT.   Children are neither weapons, witnesses nor chameleons.  If you don't stop after reading this, shame on you.