Battles: Choose Them Wisely

We have six kids.  Our kids are between eleven and almost twenty-five (Yikes!).  They came in boy-girl pairs (two years in between) with the pairs occurring four years apart.  We are a blended family, but as I have mentioned before, it is often hard to remember who's blended and who's not. 

Like our children, we have gone through many stages in these last two-plus decades.  I feel really sad for the older ones so, if you two are reading this:  "I am so sorry we fought every battle.  We didn't realize how absolutely necessary it was to win the war."  I think they spent a lot of time thinking I was ridiculous, and if the truth be known, so did I.  I just had no sense of the big picture. 

Scripture was very helpful.  When I first read Proverbs 18:2, I knew it was written directly for me, several thousand years prior:  "A fool does not delight in understanding, but only in revealing his own mind."  (NAS)  God had actually seen my very articulate self telling these poor kids the same thing again and again, every which way but sideways.  I honestly watched their beautiful blue eyes glaze over on dozens of occasions.  And yet--I did not stop.  I heard the words of the proverb repeating through my brain like a broken record (a-fool-delights-in-revealing-his-own-mind-a-fool-delights-in-revealing-his-own-mind-a-fool-delights-in-revealing-his-own-mind).  I knew exactly what I was doing as I was doing it.  And yet--I did not stop.  I guess I felt I was compensating for what my husband wasn't saying.

When attention turned to the next two children, I think I did a little better.  I didn't wax as philosophic, but instead, I embraced and gave voice to my inner twins, Nag and Threaten.  Even though I wasn't as clever and articulate of speech, the result was almost the same.  I nagged and their eyes glazed over (a-fool-delights-in-revealing-his-own-mind).  So, I threatened. My mouth, at least, wasn't running until my head turned blue.  Before long, though, I gave up.  I'd say things like, "A gnat--that's what I am.  An annoying little gnat flying around your head."  Then I'd huff away.  I think they spent a lot of time thinking I was ridiculous, and if the truth be known, so did I.  By God's infinite mercy, they have turned out well.

And now for the last two.  I don't explain a whole lot, don't nag until their eyes glaze over, but I admit it--I threaten.  I try not to threaten crazy, over-the-top restrictions like I did with the middle children.  I often lack follow-through.  The Bible admonishes me again:  "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly." (Proverbs 13:24/NKJV)  Our kids are a little old to spank, but I feel we are beginning to parent like grandparents.  They have begun to count on our forgetfulness.  And it's past time to reign them in, because we do not hate them.  We love them, and therefore, must discipline them.

So, I guess my point is that there needs to be balance.  Consistent parenting which forces children to take responsibility for their actions is the best kind.  Reasonable parenting which doesn't make gigantic mountains out of little, tiny molehills is the best kind.  We are engaged in a war for our children's hearts and their futures, for their spouses and their children.  That is the actual war.  By comparison, the messy bedrooms and incomplete math assignments, the failure to do the dishes or take the trash out--those are merely battles.  They can't be ignored because they add up, but to put it in my dad's words, "everything is not a tragedy."  We need to choose our battles wisely, or we will lose the war.

What's in a Word?

INTEGRITY.  I was substitute teaching in a high school English classroom last week when a student asked me the meaning of integrity.  The dictionary discusses adherence to moral and ethical principles.  That's nice. It also mentions honesty, virtue and the soundness of moral character.  I don't believe those definitions hit the mark.  They describe attributes of the person of integrity.  I believe the answer I gave when asked is better (How's that for arrogance?):  "Integrity is doing the right thing even when nobody's looking."

Wouldn't it be nice if that was everybody's standard?  Sadly, it's not.  We have become such a sly people, such a sneaky lot.  I hate to be the one (of a zillion) harping on television, but I do feel tv is a culprit.  As far back as the eighties, television has seen young characters emerge who are smarter than their parents, get over on adults, and justify their actions because they are, after all, dealing with the less hip.  At first, the parents are clueless, then they figure out they've been duped.  At that point, many of us would put our kids in their place (i.e., take the iPod, ground them from the phone, make them write sentences, whatever).  The tv parents, instead, listen intently as their children explain to them just what's wrong with their archaic thinking.  The closing credits scroll past before a backdrop of sappy, smiling parents sitting on a couch cuddling and talking about how wise and wonderful their children are.  But the children who were influenced by those early sit-coms are not the same ones who are children today.  No!  They are the parents and grandparents who grew up thinking children need to be given equal voice in decision making. 

What has happened is that our children have become empowered.  They are raised to believe they are smarter than (or, at the very least, equal to) the parents and teachers in their lives.  The arrogance that reared its ugly head between 18 and 22, now shows up in elementary school for some children.  This behavior is wrong.  Parents are not supposed to abdicate authority.  It ruins the kids.  They never have to become wise because what they feel is always right.  THEREFORE, there is no need for integrity because there is no such thing as the right thing.  Everything is relative to their desires.  How do we instill integrity in a system that does not acknowledge moral absolutes?

Projected out, this gets ugly.  We need to wise up and start reigning our kids in.  All of us--me included.

Belly Woes

Last week, several of us dropped like flies--victims of the most recent (and relatively wide-spread) belly thing sweeping this part of the country.  It's nasty; it's violent.  It's fast and furious--and quite contagious.  Having already heard of this bug's reputation for brevity, I wasn't thrilled when my dear friend's eight-year-old turned inside out, but I didn't start filling all my kids' bedrooms with trashcans and ginger ale, either.  I have to admit, though, my heart sank when she called to tell me her little guy was sick--my kids were at her house at the time.  Three days later, my daughter threw up out of her nose and tear ducts (NO LIE!).  I was able to skate through a Boy Scout camping trip but didn't manage to make it the whole way home.  In retrospect, Route 9 between Berkeley Springs and Paw Paw might not have been my wisest travel option.

If you have been exposed to this nasty virus, take heart.  The typical 7-10 days of gross symptoms do not seem to be associated with this strain.  I'm not sure how long sufferers are contagious, but relief is only a few miserable hours away from onset.  I made sure we all had big bottles of stuff to replace our electrolytes (whatever they are), and lots of time to sleep for the next 24 hours.  After the initial explosions, the feeling is that of being pulled through a knot-hole, but the weariness lifts after a day or so.  I have read two books in the past few days and slowed down enough to enjoy my gang.  Those alone make the whole miserable experience worth it.

So, as with all ailments that cause dehydration, mommies need to be on the alert for symptoms that could lead to real trouble.  It's okay to be overly cautious if your baby or toddler is throwing up or having diarrhea.  It is far better to be safe than sorry.  In other words, who really cares if you annoy your pediatrician?  Call anyway.  He will ask you how often your child is urinating, so remember to keep track.  But little guys are not the only ones who can rapidly become dehydrated--older children, adults and, especially, the elderly are at risk.  Know the symptoms, monitor your sweethearts and hunker down.  This, too, shall pass.  (No pun intended.  Okay, well--maybe.)    

Well, Now What?

The Christmas (etc.) holidays have passed and the new year is upon us.  We have all probably made and broken resolutions by now so, why bother in the first place?  School is in full swing in the public arena as well as around our kitchen table.  We have had a banner week.

So far, 2012 has already brought both tragedy and triumph to the doorsteps of many.  Most of us don't believe that the world will end at the Winter Solstice but, if we were all really honest, there is, hunkering down in the backs of our brains, that tiny week-old question:  what if?  Well, WHAT IF?  What does it really change?  Will we over-indulge our kids?  (Been there.)  Will we over-indulge ourselves?  (Done that.)  Will we spend beyond our means as if we don't have to pay the piper?  (Bought the tee-shirt.)

Or, will we instead, "See God's face, feel His Presence, trust His love?"  (Can you tell I just watched Seven Days in Utopia?)  I'm choosing these things for myself and my children in 2012.  I am choosing to be thankful for "food in a world where many walk in hunger and faith in a world where many walk in fear."  When I think about how these intentions might translate into our real-life experience, I consider the Apostle Paul who declares his contentment in times of both want and plenty.  I purpose in my heart not to be a great big complainer, but decide to do the good thing that is placed before me each day (no matter what it is) and pray that I will recognize it.  Whether the good thing is to listen to my son when he confesses his heart, or to offer mittens to someone with cold hands, or, even to offer genuine love to someone with a cold heart.  Maybe the good thing before me will be to sign a book contract.  My commitment is to do what I'm called to today, and again tomorrow, to walk this out in front of my family and strangers alike.

I believe this is how I will find purpose and passion in 2012--whether the world ends or not.  Who's in?  Join me!

DEFINE NECESSITY

Recently, a disturbing picture, a profoundly impacting one, popped up on my Facebook feed.  It seems to be making the rounds because I've seen it several times since.  The picture is one with a split image--on the left is a horrific image of several little ones suffering from kwashiorkor, the malnutrition disease which presents visually as children with spindly bodies and distended bellies.  These, alone, make their heads look gigantic.  The children seem to be reaching toward food, that is the implication.  On the right is the image of haggard mothers racing frantically through a department store, their carts and arms overflowing with games and toys.  These words are emblazoned on the top and bottom:  DEFINE NECESSITY.

Honestly, my very (very) first thought was:  Yeah, yeah--I know.  Trying to pull my heartstrings. 

This gave way to:  Well?  What am I supposed to do about it? I can't help these kids any more than I could feed those poor starving kids in China when I was little and didn't want to clean my plate.

Then:  I certainly hope this whomps some of these materialistic people in the eye!  They should take their extra and give it to hungry babies.  Why, God, if you'd give me extra this Christmas, that's what I'd do!

And finally...It is what it is, I guess.  Jesus says, "The poor will always be with us."

As I consider these thoughts and their order, I am reminded of  Kubler-Ross's model for the "stages of grief" (or death, or dying):  denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  A loud, resounding YES echoes through my heart chambers!  Yes, yes, yes!  We are dying in droves, not from starvation, not from malnutrition, but from a lack of common sense.  There is not one among us who does not feel sad for these hungry children, but how many of us are still trying to manipulate our purse strings so we can fill up our own kids' stockings with the things they want?  Somehow, even the wisest of parents break at Christmas. 

What's dying here is our self-control, our wisdom, our adherence to our own words.  We can tell our kids until we're blue in the face that raking in the loot is not what Christmas is all about, but unless we show them, our words amount to nothing.    

Homeschoolers: The Educated Unsocialized. WHAT????

Homeschooling parents can tell you, without hesitation, the very first words they hear from opponents of home education:  "But what about socialization?"  That's so odd to me.  Who sends their kids to school to socialize?

 I do understand that we moved our cherubs from the sun and fun of Cape May County, NJ, to the Middle-of-Nowhere, WV, and that they need to see people other than us.  I am a social person.  But, I also assert that they do not consider each student they have run into in public school a potential friend.  I think people are naturally selective in their relationships.  I told both kids going into this wild and woolly venture that they could invite friends over any time they wanted. They don't do alot of inviting.  They have established friendships with other homeschoolers in the area and spend a fair amount of time with them.  We also take part in Fun Friday (term coined by a hokey, local, homeschooling mom) activities.  We have visited the  Frontier Culture Museum and Marker Miller Orchards.  We are headed to Mount Vernon (George Washington's homeplace) next month.  We also get together sometimes just to--dare I say it?--PLAY.

I created a Facebook page called Homebodies and encourage both parents and children to join conversations going on there.  As a group (and sometimes with others), we ground-picked a truckload of apples, made 24 gallons of applesauce, studied the Constitution and its creation, enjoyed a small, intimate dinner and sharing time with two international workers who currently serve in Indonesia, and made s'mores over a fire built and maintained by two homeschoolers.  So, you see, we are quite a social bunch.

We eat, we pray, we love.  We laugh, we learn, we socialize.  Plus, our kids' teacher loves them better than anyone else on earth and knows them inside and out.  She understands when they are frustrated and never chides them for not catching on to something right away.  She doesn't excuse bad behavior by blaming it on their classmates, and she never EVER has to shed her pajamas because she was called to school for a parent-teacher conference.  She has the time and energy to collect and grade each assignment, not just the first three to pull the week's grade out of a stack of papers.  She believes her students' time is valuable. Who could ask for more?



 

A Whirlwind Of Learning--And Only One Month In!

It has been considerably longer than a few short days since my last post, and for this I humbly apologize.  We have been caught in a month-long tornado, a whirlwind of learning and it's been wonderful!  If I had realized homeschooling could be like this we would have done it this way forever ago.  But, when we last schooled at home, we were clueless.  We knew we didn't want our dearest loves in public school, and private school for four children would have majorly stretched our budget.  So we decided to make a go of it at the kitchen table.

Several factors hindered our success in those days.  First, the curriculum we chose was one being used by friends, it was self-taught and self-corrected, and super tedious.  And second, we didn't realize schooling at home did not have to look like schooling at school--public or private.  We have since wisened up and have untangled ourselves and our children from such constraining thought.  And these youngest two of our six are blossoming!  They are such problem solvers, and so intuitive!  Did any of their public school teachers ever even see this in them?

We have a schedule and all disciplines are represented.  We sit at the kitchen table most days.  So things aren't whimsical (grrr--a parent once accused me of whimsical teaching) or willy-nilly.  They are organized--and backed by sound research--but flexible.  We read and laugh together, have become Facebook friends with a favorite author, have created a loosely organized homeschooling group that (because of the Internet) extends across the country.  We have visited the Flight 93 Memorial in Shanksville, PA, and will be spending next Friday on a colonial farm.  We have gotten chummy (in the historical sense) with our nation's founding fathers and have created and presented Fourteenth Colony projects within the the constraints of the establishment of the first thirteen.  (That is, we have no space aliens or talking animals.)  We have felt the passion of the men who lived and breathed our country's liberty and, thanks to our local Tea Party (We, The People of Hampshire County), have celebrated Constitution Week with lesson plans and a great video.  Our daughter is raising a chicken in her room and Monday marks our launch into Science experiments you can eat.  We do math from a grade-appropriate textbook every day because we must.  Mommy is not a math girl, but I am learning to enjoy how numbers work.  Before long, we will be picking the brain of a math friend for some cool projects, maybe a few old copies of Middle School Math (a magazine) will be tossed our way!

Even our neighbors are excited by our homeschooling.  One has offered First Aid classes as she is a first responder.  Another, a local (and nationally recognized!) artisan will be be teaching us basketry.  Another will be leading us through a counted cross-stitch mini-project.  We have prepped food, made tie-dye tees and have studied chromatology.  And in mid-April we are headed to DC for a very high-tech science/engineering extravaganza.

I can't wait to see what next month brings!